le bon chemin

Left foot. Right foot.

Jonathan Soud just died of leukemia last Saturday. I didn't know him, but I know his father who taught at my high school, and he had a huge impact on my social networks at home. Leukemia is usually treatable in children. My mom said she diagnosed him, and he was going to be fine.

Left foot. Right foot.
My friend had liver pains yesterday, couldn't move her neck at all.
Left foot. Right foot.
My other friend suddenly threw her back out in rehearsal today and had severe pain. "I'm fine! I'm fine" she said, crying, trying to stand up.
Left foot. Right foot.
My friend's mom has been in the hospital for two weeks and they don't know what's wrong with her.
Left foot. Right foot.
I'm tired. So damn tired.
I can't write Dylan's eulogy. I just can't. The words. I just. Don't know what to say. I have to. But I know it's not going to be what I want to say. If he were alive, I don't know what I'd say to him.

Left foot. Right foot.
Fuck these feet. When does the bullshit end?

BirdWings by Rumi

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you’re bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
if it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as bird wings.